Snake on the run
by Red The Animator
Summary: Nagini got in an argument with Voldemort and decided to run away. The problems don't start happening though until she moves in with a certain Hogwarts student with black hair, glasses, and a lightning bolt scar.
1. The Argument

**Snake on the Run**

**By Red The Animator and Double A**

Chapter One

The Argument

Voldemort was sitting at a desk, not really doing anything. Just sitting at a random desk, staring off into space. Just staring, not thinking of anything in particular. Eventually he got bored and started doodling a picture of himself killing Harry. He then sat back to admire his fine art.

"Hey Voldi, Wormtail is stuck in the pantry again," said Nagini as she slithered into the room.

Voldemort looked up dazed. "Wha-?"

"Are you drawing pictures of yourself killing Harry again?" said Nagini in an upset voice.

"Umm... what if I said yes?"

"Voldemort! You could be doing any number of productive things right now! You could be bossing your Death Eaters around, taking over the Ministry of Magic, finding new ways to kill Harry, or just organizing your muggle head collection!"

"Shut up snake!"

"Hey! I will not be bossed around by someone who draws stick people in his spare time!"

"Don't you criticize my art!" shouted Voldemort. "Why don't you go eat a muggle or something?"

"Is that what you think of me? Just someone to do your dirty work?!"

Lucius Malfoy burst into the room. "Snape made cookies!"

"Oh boy!" gasped Voldemort. "Cookies?!"

"HEY!" cried Nagini. "I'm not done with you!"

Voldemort scoffed. "Now I know why they call you _Nag_ini."

"THAT'S IT!" shouted Nagini. "I'm leaving!"

"Am I interrupting something?" asked Lucius.

"No, no." said Voldemort. "I was just about to go downstairs myself."

"Right!" said Lucius as he ran out of the room.

"Well, aren't you leaving?" asked Voldemort.

"Why yes," said Nagini. "I am."

"Ha! Where will you go? I'm the only person that can understand you."

"For your information." said Nagini. "I already know where I'm going to go."

"Well have a nice trip!"

Nagini stormed out of the room. Voldemort signed his name at the bottom of his picture, and then went downstairs to eat some cookies.

* * *

"Aren't you worried about Nagini?" asked Snape as he pulled another batch of cookies out of the oven. 

"No. I expect that she will come crying back to me in about two hours," said Voldemort as he reached for one of the cookies on the pan that Snape was holding.

"Master! Those are too hot to eat right now!"

"Shut up Snape... AH!!! MY FINGERS!!!"

* * *

AN: Chapters will probably be posted three days apart at most. 


	2. There's a Snake in my Trunk

Chapter Two

There's a Snake in my Trunk

Harry walked over to his trunk, removed a pair of dirty socks, closed the trunk, and sat down on his bed. Half way through putting his socks on he froze. Harry then stood up, walked back over to his trunk, and opened it again.

"Excuse me," said Harry to the Snake that had taken residence in his trunk. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm running away from Voldemort," said Nagini.

"Good. Better be off then," said Harry.

"I'm staying here."

"Oh no you're not! Aunt Petunia would have a fit if she saw you."

"Please can I stay? I'll stay in this trunk the whole time and only come out at night. And I promise not to eat anybody... on purpose."

"No! I can't keep a giant snake in my room! How do I know that you weren't sent by Voldemort to kill me?"

"First off, Voldemort would never be able to think of a plan _that _good. Second, there's that enchantment on your house that doesn't allow enemies in. So if I were trying to kill you, I wouldn't be able to get in."

"Oh yeah. Fine, you can stay."

"YES!"

"Harry! Quit making noises!" shouted Uncle Vernon.

Harry continued. "But you have to be quiet, and the moment you get discovered, you're out of here. Got it?"

"Yes yes!" said Nagini impatiently. "And don't worry about feeding me, I can just eat the neighbor's cats."

Harry sighed. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"This is going to be so much fun! We can play games, swap chocolate frog cards, stay up late reading ghost stories, play hide and seek, jump on the beds-"

"Could you be quiet for a second? I'm trying to write a letter to Hermione."

"Gosh! Be a party pooper why don't you!"

"Why don't you go write a list of all the fun things that you want to do?"

"But I don't have any fingers to hold the quill."

"Then you had better start practicing," said Harry.

Nagini crawled into the trunk to find a piece of parchment. Harry sat down at his desk and started writing.

_Dear Hermione_

_Things are going the same as usual here at number four. Duddly is improving his aim at punching me, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia are making me work just as hard as usual, and Voldemort's pet Snake has come to stay in my trunk. Reply soon._

_Harry_


	3. My New Roommate

Chapter Three

My New Roommate

August 20, "Dear diary, Today Voldemort's Snake moved into my room. At first I was shocked, then confused, now I'm just annoyed. So far she hasn't shut up about all of Voldemort's secret plans. She goes on and on about how he's going to kidnap the Minister, or kill Dumbledore, or the fact that he likes to draw pictures of himself killing me. Like anyone would want to know that. She also insists on having the trunk to herself. I've had to move all of my stuff out and try to find new places to stuff it. I have no idea what I'm going to do once it comes time to go to Hogwarts. So far none of the Dursleys know about Nagini. It might be best if it stays that way."

August 20, "Dear diarrhea, today I movd in with Hary. So far he has been takeing this veree wel. I have to stay in his trunk al day, so that his mugle famly wont find me. I have mised bosing Wormtal arond but I have had much mor fun trying to eat his ouwle head-wig. Hary dosn't no and it wood be best if it stayd that way."

"What?! You've been trying to eat my owl?!" asked Harry angrily.

"Hey! You shouldn't read other people's diaries."

"I wouldn't if you didn't write it in mine! Why have you been trying to eat Hedwig?"

"I'm hungry, okay?"

"Well you can go outside as soon as Uncle Vernon is asleep."

"How long is that?"

Harry didn't respond. In the other room Uncle Vernon said, "Good night Aunt Petunia- er- I mean... Petunia."

Almost instantly the house filled with the sound of snoring.

* * *

Voldemort massaged his poor red fingers that he had burnt on the hot cookies. He then picked up the green crayon and continued drawing a picture of himself killing Harry.

Snape walked in. "Master, we have captured the Minister of Magic. The ministry will fall within the hour."

"Not now!" shouted Voldemort as he picked the red crayon and drew some blood coming out of Harry's head.

Snape looked down at his picture. "Master, you have been coloring pictures for the last five days straight. You need to get out and kill a few muggles."

"I said not now! I'm very busy!"

"Permission to speak freely master?"

"What is this, the Enterprise? Of course you can speak freely... at your own risk. Ha ha ha"

"Master, you have been totally anti-social ever since your sn-"

"-fingers got burnt? Yes I know. It seems that ever since then, something has been missing from my life."

"Perhaps it's the fact the Wormtail is still stuck in the pantry." suggested Snape.

"Yes, that must be it."

Lucius ran in. "The Minister has escaped! Our plans are ruined!"

"Not now Lucius!" cried Voldemort. "Can't you see that I'm having a discussion? Leave, and get Wormtail out of the pantry on your way down."

"Yes master." said Lucius as he ran out.

Voldemort took the black crayon and drew a mustache on Harry, then he laughed. Half way through his laugh he started crying. "Oh Snape! I can't deny it any longer! I suck at drawing!"

"Oh master..." said Snape. "why don't you do some more practicing while I send Bellatrix up with a plate of cookies."

"Yes, I would like that."


	4. There's a Snake in Your Bag!

Chapter Four

There's a Snake in Your Bag!

Harry was glad to finally get out and go to Diagon Alley. Nagini had given him no moment's peace ever since she had arrived. Harry was also glad to finally be able to see Ron and Hermione again.

"Oh Harry!" said Hermione as she ran to him at the Leaky Cauldron.

Harry held his arms open to hug Hermione, but Hermione slapped him.

"Harry! Are you raving mad?! Keeping Voldemort's Snake at number four?!"

Nagini popped her head out of Harry's bag. "Hey Hermione!"

Hermione screamed and jumped backwards. "You _brought_ it to Diagon Alley?!"

"Well I couldn't leave her alone with the Dursleys," said Harry. "Plus, she insisted on coming."

"You shouldn't have the snake in the first place!"

"Come on Hermione," said Harry. "Nagini promises not to make any noise. It will be like she isn't even here. Oh, and don't tell Ron."

Ron walked in. "-don't tell me what?"

"Umm, nothing," said Hermione."

"Hey Harry. I have a great idea!" said Nagini from inside Harry's bag. "Hide me in Ron's robes. He will be so surprised!"

"No!" said Harry.

"No what?" asked Ron. "Hey Harry, your bag is hissing. you should get that looked at."

Hermione changed the subject. "So Ron, how was your summer?"

"Not too bad, mum is making us take baths now. Dad is quite upset."

"You don't take baths?!" gasped Harry.

"Of course not... we take showers, but our shower head is broken so we have to take baths now."

"Couldn't your dad just fix it?" asked Hermione.

"Ha! That muggle hugger couldn't even fix an egg roll." said Malfoy as he walked in.

"Is that Malfoy?" asked Nagini. "Can I bite him, can I? Voldemort never let's me bite Draco. He always says, 'No no, not until after he fails to kill Dumbledore'."

"No. No biting!"

"Honestly Harry," said Ron. "I'm not going to bite him, I'm just going to blow his perfect blond hair off."

"Now now son." said Lucius. "We need not be messing with _these _type."

"Why is it, that whenever we meet you in public, you are with your dad?" asked Hermione. "Does he not trust you on your own?"

"Shut up Mudblood!" shouted Malfoy.

"Please Harry, just one bite. I won't even give him a lethal dose of venom."

"No."

"Please? Pretty please? With cherries dead rats and owls on top?"

"No!"

"You're no fun!"

"Well that's life. Live with it! Hey, why is everyone looking at me?"

"Moving on." said Lucius as he pushed Malfoy out of the room.

"Harry," said Ron. "yelling at your bag won't make it stop hissing."

"Come on." said Hermione. "Let's just go buy our stuff."

"Good, I need to buy another trunk." said Harry.

"_Another _trunk?" asked Ron. "What's wrong with your first one? These trunks are supposed to have a lifetime warranty."


	5. Lines and Dots

AN: As you will be able to tell, we stayed up _way _too late while writing this.

* * *

Chapter Five

Lines and Dots

Harry, Ron and Hermione spent the whole day shopping for their school supplies in Diagon Alley. Nagini had obeyed Harry and not caused any more incidents, except for when they went to the pet store to get flu medication for Crookshanks.

"Please Harry, just buy one for me," insisted Nagini.

"No! I'm not going to buy anything for you to eat!" said Harry.

"I'm not hungry Harry," said Ron. "Or were you talking to your hissing bag again?"

The fat witch at the counter handed Hermione a container of pills. "You need to give these to your cat once a day until the vomiting stops."

"Actually," began Hermione. "I read in a book that it would be healthier to give my cat-"

"That will be ten sickles have a nice day!"

"But-"  
"Goodbye!"

Hermione stomped out of the shop followed by Ron and Harry.

"Wow my bag seems to be lighter," said Harry absently before running back into the pet shop.

"Harry seems to be acting a bit weird today," said Ron.

"Weird?" laughed Hermione. "He's completely off his rocker!"

Harry came out of the pet store. "I-I accidentally forgot my, umm... snake... umm... skin... Ron's Christmas present!"

"Ooh." said Ron. "What did you get me? Snake skin boots?"

Nagini hissed.

"Umm, no. It's a surprise," said Harry.

"Oh boy!" said Ron. "Too bad I have to wait three months."

Fred and George walked up.

"Shouldn't have told Ron about his present Harry." said Fred. "Now he's going to look through your stuff."

"That was only once!" shouted Ron.

"Sure, once." said George. "That is, if you don't include your last birthday, or the Christmas before that, or the other thirty-two incidents that Fred and I have documented."

"Is that Fred and George?" asked Nagini. "The troublesome twins? The terrible two? The deadly duo? Voldemort has a whole file on them."

"Umm Harry," said Fred. "Why is your bag hissing? And why do I have the sudden impression that George and I have just been called three of our thirteen nicknames?"

"Umm, just a gas leak." said Harry.

"Oh my gosh!" gasped Ron. "I know what you're getting me for Christmas! But how are you going to keep raw garlic, house elves, and road kill from going bad for the next three months. Unless-"

"Yes Ron that's exactly what I got you. Let's go get our books," said Harry in a hurry.

They all walked over to Fries and Tots.

"Wait a tic! Shouldn't we be going to Flowers and Pots?"

"No. We need to be going to Farmers and Plots."

"How about Lines and Dots?"

"No. The first word has to start with an F. It should be Fines and Dots."

"That doesn't work."

"No, I guess it doesn't."

"Quite not."

"Perhaps just a little?"

"No, not at all."

"Well maybe just a tiny bit?"

"Nope. Not in the least."

"Perhaps just a smidgen of a bit?"

"For the last time, NO!"

"Umm... guys?" asked Hermione. "What are you talking about?"

"What do you think Hermione?" said Harry. "Should it be Lines and Dots, or _Fines_ and Dots?"

"Stop saying nonsense!" cried Hermione. "We need to get to Flourish and Blotts!"

"Hey! That's it!" shouted Ron. "_Flourish _and _Blotts_! How did you know?"

Hermione grabbed Ron and Harry by their ears and dragged them along. While being dragged along, Harry noticed that Nagini was no longer in his bag again.


	6. Rejected at Gringotts

Chapter Six

Rejected at Gringotts

Nagini slithered between unsuspecting people's legs. Harry and Ron's conversation had become _way _too absurd for her taste. And in her opinion it should had been _Lines_ and Dots. Finally she came to Gringotts bank and went up to the main goblin at the front desk.

"I would like to make a withdrawal," said Nagini.

"Hold on," said the goblin as he pulled out some old books and began fingering through them. "Let's see. Elvish, mermish, dwarvish... Ahh here we are parselmouth. Now what did you say? Was it a long drawn out hiss? Or a brief kind of scoff?"

Nagini repeated her sentence.

"Okay, you want to go to the mall?"

Nagini repeated her sentence again.

"You would like to find your doll?"

Nagini hissed angrily.

"Okay! No need to get angry. Do you want to make a withdrawal?"

Nagini nodded.

"Oh! Sorry, but Voldemort came down yesterday and had me transfer all of your funds to his account."

"What?! He can't do that!"

"Actually, he can. You see, under the contract that you signed when you opened your account clearly states that in the event that you should leave Voldemort, he could come down and have all your funds transferred to his account."

"Oh dung!" shouted Nagini. "That good for nothing crayon eater back stabbed me!"

"In addition to having your funds transferred," continued the goblin. "the contract also said that if you should show up to make a withdrawal, that you should be thrown from the premises."

"What? Do you mean like, tossed?"

"Yes. The contract specifically stated that five goblins are to pick you up, and throw you out into the street, like a big squirming log. That is word for word what it says in the contract."

"Why do I sign these things?!"

"Because you wouldn't read a contract to save your life. it also says that in the contract."

"Oh bloody bugger!"

"No we will not pick your boogers."

In the time that her and the goblin had been chatting, five goblins surrounded Nagini and carried her to the door and threw her just as Harry, Ron and Hermione were leaving Flourish and Blotts. Nagini flew through the air and landed on Ron, instantly coiling around him.

Ron fell to the ground and stared rolling around. "Help it's a snake! Get it off me! It's going to kill me! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!!"

Nagini had managed to get herself off of Ron, but he was still rolling around.

"Harry, I need the Heimlich maneuver! Hermione do you know DPR?!"

"Ron!" shouted Harry as he crammed Nagini in with his new books. "You're alright! The snake is gone!"

"Does anyone have the anti-venom?!" gasped Ron. "I can't feel my fingers! I'm sweating! My legs! Where are my legs?!"

Hermione slapped Ron. "You idiot! First off, it's not DPR, it's _C._P.R.! Second, you don't need the Heimlich if you're not choking!"

Ron stood up. "Oops, my bad. Where did that flying snake come from? Oh my gosh! _You-know-who _is attacking us with flying snakes!"

"Ron!" shouted Harry. "You're over reacting!"

"Actually," said Nagini. "I think he's taking it quite well compared to Voldemort, who screams his head off when he gets as much as a small paper cut."


	7. Dr Brad

Chapter Seven

Dr. Brad

Harry moved his trolley in front of the barrier between platforms 9 and 10.

"You're not going to run into that are you?" said Nagini in a worried voice.Harry started running toward the barrier.

"Okay Harry, joke's over. Harry? Harry! Ahh!"

Harry went through the barrier and came out on the other side.

"Oh." said Nagini. "Silly me. I knew about that."

"Yeah right." said Harry as he stuffed Nagini in his trunk.

Just then Ron walked up, "Hi Harry!" he said. "Your trunk is really hissing!"

"Well it umm... didn't get to bed early enough last night." said Harry.

"First your bag, now your trunk... Hey, hold on. Why do you have two trunks?"

"I'm... taking extra classes this year."

Ron laughed. "Don't be silly Harry. You and I both know that the homework would pile up faster than even Hermione would be able to help you with. It took me until half way through summer holiday to just finish all my homework from _last _year!"

"Actually, Hermione put a perpetual duplication spell on your homework so that it would take you months to finish it."

Ron gasped. "What! That back stabbing turkey sandwich! Why would she do that?"

"Remember that prank that you pulled on her last Halloween?"

"Ah, say no more."

_

* * *

Dr. Brad was swimming in the hospital pool when his secretary, Diana came to tell him that his 5 O' clock meeting had been canceled._

_"Oh darn." said Dr. Brad. "I was looking forward to that."_

_"We all were." said Diana._

_"Oh well. I guess that I'll have to marry someone else, but who?"_

_"Well." said Diana. "You could always marry m-"_

_"-Margaret from accounting! Brilliant! I shall propose at once!"_

_Diana sighed. Secretly she had hoped that he would pick her. That's why she had called his other fiancé and told her that he was through with her._

"Ron, what are you reading?" asked Hermione as she Ron and Harry took their seats.

"Oh, just a soap opera novel." answered Ron.

"What did you say that you were reading?" asked Harry.

"Umm... Soap goes to the opera. It's my favorite book. My mum used to read it to me before bed."

"Yeah." said Fred. "Just last night as a matter of fact."

"It's a muggle children's book." explained George.

"Oh!" said Harry an understanding voice.

"I didn't know that hospitals had pools." said Nagini who was reading it over Ron's shoulder. Ron was oblivious.

"Hey Ron," said George, "what's that hissing thing on your shoulder?"

"Oh that's just Harry's trunk." said Ron.

"Must be the new 'snake skin' type." said Fred.

"So Fred," began Harry as he grabbed Nagini and shoved her back into her trunk, "what have you and George been working on over the summer?"

"It's a secret Harry," said Fred.

"But you'll find out real soon," said George.

"You're gonna love it!"

"Our best item yet!"

"It will sell to all age groups!"

"All genders!"

"All walks of life!"

"WHAT?! PLEASE TELL ME! I MUST KNOW!!!" shouted Nagini.

Ron gasped. "They _killed _Margaret!!"

"In _Soap goes to the opera_?" asked Harry. "I thought that was a children's book."

"Not now Harry! I _must _find out how Dr. Brad takes it! (gasp) I bet Diana did it!"

"Wait, who is the soap?" asked Harry. "Is it Dr. Brad?"

After several long uneventful hours on the Hogwarts express, (that is, if you don't include the time that Nagini tried to strangle Fred and George to find out what they are making) they finally arrived at Hogwarts.


	8. Mad as a Hat

Chapter Eight

Mad as a Hat

Everyone sat down in the Thestral pulled carriage, much to Nagini's chagrin.

"Everyone knows that thestrals are snake's mortal enemy," said Nagini.

"No they're not." said Harry.

"Oh yeah? Try explaining that to my poor dead cousin."

"How did it die?"

"Oh, he ate a bad mouse. But that's not the point."

* * *

Everyone arrived at Hogwarts and took their seats in the Great Hall. Then the first years came in and the Sorting hat started its yearly song.

_"Now is the timing _

_For me to start the rhyming,_

_Although except for that last line,_

_I'm just plain bad at it._

_Soooo, on with my song thingys_

_About the four house's ingys_

_(I don't know why I try)_

_Anywho... The four houses, right._

_First lets talk about old Huff n' Puff_

_(Sounds like a pastry)_

_She was all boring and stuff_

_And a little bit lazy._

_Now for Raven's Claw_

_Man, what an _in-tel-lec-tu-al _idiot!_

_She would have you believe,_

_That she was the knowledge queen,_

_But me thinks that she was just stuck up._

_As for Slither-In._

_Boy, what a jerk!_

_Always ranting and panting,_

_About his great heritage._

_Don't say I told you this,_

_He would surly shred me for it._

_But his grandpa was a muggle born._

_And finally Griff's Door._

_He was all hot air that one._

_He didn't know the line between brave and crazed,_

_That's how he started the Crusades._

_So now come be sorted,_

_To each house accorded._

_But remember one thing,_

_As the new school years rings,_

_The sorting hat can't rhyme worth beans!_

Ron stood on his seat. "Bravo! Bravo! Encore!"

"Sit down Ron!" shouted Hermione. "It wasn't _that _good!"

"Take a bow hatty!"

"Is that hat talking?" asked Nagini. "That's just creepy."

"It not only does that," said Harry. "It reads minds also."

"And they just let students put it on?!"

"It sorts them into houses."

The first student put the hat on and it started gagging. "This one is a Slytherin no doubt."

"Hey!" said the student that was wearing the hat.

"Well you are! You should also see a good psychiatrist while you're at it."

Nagini gasped. "What an invasion of privacy!"

"I know!" said Fred and George.

"Wait, who are you talking to?" asked Ron.

Fred and George looked at each other. "We don't know."

Dumbledore stood up to give the start of term speech. Professor McGonagall spoke up. "Umm professor, the sorting hat hasn't finished sorting yet."

"Oops. I mean umm. Why is everyone looking at me? Umm, would you like a cough drop sorting hat? You seem a bit hoarse this year."

"No no. I just forgot to brush my teeth last night," said the hat. "GRYFFINDOR! Have fun falling off that broom later this year."

"You can predict the future?" asked the student wearing the hat.

"No. It's just a common fact that all first years fall off their brooms."

"The sorting hat can predict the future too?!" gasped Nagini. "Does it do the dishes also?"

"No." said Harry. "It's allergic to soap. That's why it's so old and dusty."

"Yes," said Nagini. "When Voldemort was sorted for the first time, he had a coughing fit. Don't tell anyone, but secretly he hopes to burn that nasty hat one day."

"Harry!" burst Hermione. "I've just had the strangest feeling Voldemort wants to burn the sorting hat!"

"It _is_ rather dusty," said Ron.


	9. Snape's Greasy Hair Black

Chapter Nine

Snape's Greasy Hair Black

"Dark Lord!" called Lucius. "Snape has sent a letter!"

"Oh boy!" said Voldemort. "I hope its cookies!"

"Shall I read it to you?" asked Lucius.

"What? You don't think that I can read my own mail?! Yes go ahead."

"Dear... Dark... Lord... it begins. I... have... arrived... at... Hog... warts. Oh my, what bad grammar. I think that I'll just change it. I... have... also... dis... cove... erd..."

"FASTER YOU MUGGLE LOVER" shouted Voldemort.

"...IhavedicoveredthatHarryiscurrently-"

"Not that fast!"

"Fine! And while I'm at it, I'll just read it the way he wrote it!"

"What? Just read it normally."

"Okay. Dear... Dark... Lord... it begins."

"Give me that!" Voldemort shouted as he swiped the letter away from Lucius.

_Dear Dark Lord it begins. I have arrived at Hogwarts. I have also discovered the whereabouts of your snake Nagini. She is currently being held hostage by none other than Harry Potter. Why I saw with my own eyes in Diagon alley, (shortly after pretending to be you and going to Gringotts to stop Nagini's account) that she was trying to free herself by strangling Harry's friend Roy. Harry was aided by the two Masters of Mayhem and that Mudblood Miss Granger._

"But that was seven days ago!" said Voldemort.

_I know. I forgot to tell you._

"Well that's no excuse!"

_How is your coloring going? I do miss those gruesome pictures on the refrigerator._

"Hey! Don't change the subject!"

_Do send a reply when you are ready to declare war on Potter to get your snake back._

_Love Severus Snape_

_P.S. The Weird Weasleys have come out with a new product that you might be interested in._

"Oh boy! I hope its cookies!"

* * *

"Come and get it!" shouted Fred.

"Fresh off the production line!" shouted George.

"You can fight it-"

"-but you can't deny it-"

"Harry Potter coloring and activity books!" finished Fred and George together.

"What's all this?" asked Hermione.

"Only the greatest thing to ever hit the market that's what." said George.

"Each book has black and white outlines from all of Harry's exciting life, just waiting to be colored in!" said Fred.

"And each coloring book comes with a box of crayons."

"Featuring all your favorite colors!" said Fred.

"Avada Kedavra Green!"

"Ron's angry red ears Red!"

"Snape's greasy hair Black! The crayon is _actually_ greasy!"

"Voldemort's skin White!"

"Gryffindor Gold!"

"Slytherin Silver!"

"And... gray."

"Each book only costs five sickles each!" said Fred.

"This has got to be the _stupidest _thing that I have ever seen!" said Hermione.

"This has got to be the _greatest _thing that I have ever seen!" said Ron.

"I'll take two," said Harry.

"Two?" asked Ron. "Are you buying one for a _special_ someone?"

"Not _that_ special." said Harry. "A certain slimy friend of mine is dying to know what Fred and George are selling."

"Don't be silly Harry." said Ron. "The Creevey Brothers already know!"

"The Creevey brothers are our best customers," said George.


	10. Hide And Snake

Chapter Ten

Hide And Snake

Harry was clipping his toenails behind a wardrobe. Hermione peeked around. "Oh Harry. It's just you. I was afraid that Malfoy had-"

"Shh!" said Harry. "I'm hiding from Nagini."

"What? The snake? The stupid snake?"

"You don't know how much trouble she has been giving me recently! All daylong I hear, _what color should I draw this? How old were you when Dudley first punched you?_ It's driving me crazy!"

"Oh there you are Harry!" said Nagini as she peeked behind the wardrobe too. "Are we playing hide and seek?"

"Umm... Yes!" said Harry. "You found me! Now I need to go find you. I'll count to ten trillion and you go hide in the castle."

"That's a big number," said Nagini.

"Well this is a big castle."

"Ahh! Good point. What are _you_ looking at Hermione?"

"Should I leave you two alone?" asked Hermione.

"No no." said Harry. "I was just about to start counting so that Nagini can hide. One, two, three, four, five..."

"Oh boy!" said Nagini excitedly as she ran out of the room.

"...eleven, twelve, thirtee- is she gone?"

"Yes." said Hermione.

"Good! Now I can have some peace and quiet."

"Not so fast. We need to get to potions class."

"NO!!!"

* * *

"Today class we will be making a freezing potion." said Snape. "A freezing potion can be disguised as any other potion so that when given to your enemies, they will unknowingly be frozen."

Harry yawned. This was the last thing that he needed right now.

"...after step number four hundred and seventy four, you will then add the coloring needed to disguise it. Then repeat steps one through two hundred twenty seven again. You have one hour," said Snape.

The door to potions class opened and Nagini poked her head in. "Hey Harry! Why aren't you counting?"

"Umm... ten thousand two hundred and four, ten thousand two hundred and five..."

"Oh good! I'll go back to hiding!" said Nagini as she ran out.

"...ten thousand two hundred and si-"

"Mr. Potter!" snapped Snape. "Are you mocking me?!"

"Umm... well, you see-"

Dumbledore poked his head in the classroom. "Hey Harry, why aren't you counting?"

"Umm... ten thousand two hundred and eight, ten thousand two hundred and nine..."

"Oh I had better go hide!" said Dumbledore.

Snape stood in place with a look of bewilderment. "Mr. Longbottom! Did you not hear me when I said _twelve _times clockwise and _fifty-three _times _counter clockwise_! And what have you done with your slug brains? They look like meatballs!"

Harry sighed in relief.

* * *

"I'm just saying Harry, you need to get rid of that snake!" said Hermione. "Oh and pass the _Ron's angry red ears Red_."

Harry handed Hermione a red crayon and Hermione used it to fill in the outline of Uncle Vernon yelling.

"Why are you using red?" asked Ron. "There _is _an _Angry Uncle Vernon Purple_."

"Yes I know, but I like to use different colors."

"Is that why you color Voldemort in green?" asked Harry.

"No. I think that Voldemort is a sicko, so I want my art to reflect that."

"Hermione, this is a coloring book! Art isn't much of a priority," said Ron.

"Ha!" said Harry. "You only say that because you can't color inside the lines!"

Ron covered his coloring book with his hands. "I can too!"

"Everyone knows that you only color badly because you want to reach the end and find out what happens," said Hermione.

"Well why couldn't you just flip-" said Harry as he turned the pages to the back. Ron slammed down Harry's hand.

"You can't do that! You have to color each picture at a time! Flipping to the end is just plain cheating!"

"Ha!" said Colin. "I already colored to the end! Twice!"

"Really!" said Ron. "How does it end?"

"Sorry, can't tell you. Hogwarts business."

Nagini jumped out from under the table and started strangling Colin. "TELL ME!!! I MUST KNOW!!!"

"Nine trillion nine hundred ninety-nine billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine, ten trillion! Ha! I found you!"

"Aww man!" said Nagini as she uncoiled from Colin. "I guess that it's my turn to find you."

"Okay." said Harry. "Why don't you go into your trunk, and count to ten trillion."

"Okay!" said Nagini as she slithered off.

"Do you want a hint about the end?" asked Colin as he stood up.

"What?!" gasped Ron.

"Let's just say that Dumbledore should reconsider his loyalty."

Just then Dumbledore sat down in his seat at the front of the Great Hall and made a fart noise. He reached under himself and removed a woppy cushion. "Aww Severus! You got me again!"


	11. Message Relay

Chapter Eleven

Message Relay

Snape was polishing some old potion flasks after class.

"Hello Severus!" said Dumbledore in a jolly voice. "I have a message for you."

"Headmaster," said Snape respectfully. "What is it?"

"What is what?" asked Dumbledore.

"The message."

"Oh yeah!

"Well?"

"Right. Nagini told Harry to tell Ron, to tell Hermione, to tell Professor Flitwick, to tell Professor McGonagall, to tell me, to tell you, to tell Voldemort, to drop dead."

"Is that all?"

"Yep!"

"I'll make sure that he gets the message."

"What message?"

Snape slapped his forehead.

* * *

"Umm, Dark Lord?" said Wormtail

"What is it?" said Voldemort in an annoyed voice.

"Drop dead. I-I mean... umm..."

"You have better have a good reason for saying that!" said Voldemort angrily.

"Well... umm... NaginitoldHarrytotellRontotellHermionetotellProfessorFlitwicktotellProfessorMacGonagalltotellDumbledoretotellSnapetotellDracototellLuciustotellmetotellyoutodropdead!"

"What?!"

"And... Nagini sends her love too. And so does Ron."

"Oh yeah? Well tell Lucius to tell Draco, to tell Snape, to tell Dumbledore, to tell Professor McGonagall, to tell Professor Flitwick, to tell Hermione, to tell Ron, to tell Harry, to tell Nagini that I will! Oh and send my love too."

"Yes master."

* * *

"Ha! What a lame come back!" said Nagini. "I will? He was always a bad arguer. Tell Ron to tell Hermi-"

"No! I refuse!" said Harry.

"What?! Why?! I- I- I thought we were friends!" Nagini said, starting to choke up with tears.

"No, it's not that," Harry said quickly.

"Then what?! Tell me then!"

"Because, er...you...need...to...work this out with him. Yes!"

"What?"

"Nagini; you have to work this out between the two of you. Otherwise you'll be arguing with him even on your deathbed!"

"Heh, don't say that to him. _He hates the word _deathbed!"

"You're not paying attention!"

"Well maybe I don't want to! I'll never forgive that ugly, cookie loving, crayon eating, evil little wizard!" And with that, Nagini slammed the door to the room, which didn't make sense, because she was still in the room.

"Umm... why did you slam the door?" asked Harry.

"Because I felt like it!" snapped Nagini.

"Okay... Perhaps you need to take a nap or something."

"A nap? Ha! I don't need naps! Who do you think I am? Dumbledore?"

_

* * *

Meanwhile..._

Snape walked up to the stone gargoyle that was in front of the entrance to Dumbledore's office.

"Tic-Tacs" said Snape in a distasteful voice.

The stone gargoyle moved aside, but no sooner had it done so, that Professor McGonagall came running down the stairs.

"Not now Snape! I have just spent the last thirty minutes trying to get Dumbledore to take his nap and I won't have you come barging in to ruin it!"

_

* * *

Meanwhile..._

"No! There is no way that I will _ever _talk to Voldemort again!" shouted Nagini.

"Come on. You're just mad," said Harry.

"I am not!"

"Yes you are! You're mad right now!"

"I'm mad because you won't relay my message to Voldemort."

"I guess that you'll just have to tell him yourself because I'm not doing anything!"

"You can't _do _this to me! Don't you even know who I am? I'm Voldem-"

"Who? I was sure that for a second you were going to say that you were Voldemort's snake." said Harry slyly.

"SHUT UP!!!"

Nagini opened the door and slammed it again. A few seconds later Dumbledore walked in, wearing blue pajamas with magic wands painted on the side.

"Could you keep it down?" asked Dumbledore.

"Sorry Professor." said Harry.

Professor McGonagall ran into the room. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" She then turned to Harry. "I spent thirty minutes trying to get him to take his nap, and this is the thanks that I get?! Detention!"

"What?!" asked Harry.

"You _and _the snake!"


	12. Detention with the Snake

Chapter Twelve

Detention with the Snake

Harry sat down on his four-poster bed. Nagini entered the room.

"You!" shouted Harry. "It's all _your _fault!  
Ron poked his head out from his four-poster. He didn't notice that Nagini was in the room. "Hey! There's no need to jump down my throat! What's my fault anyway?"

"And now because of you," continued Harry not paying attention to Ron, "we both have detention!"

"I gave us detention?" asked Ron. "Was this about me copying your answers Harry? I'm sorry, I only wanted to barrow them!"

"I didn't know that Dumbledore was taking a nap!" said Nagini.

"Well that doesn't make any difference!" said Harry.

"I know." said Ron. "I'm just trying to defend myself!"

"Well if it makes you fell any better, we both will be having detention together," said Nagini.

"I don't care!" said Harry. "That only makes it worse!"

"Alright," said Ron, "I _am _a loser! I can't keep a productive thought in my head to save my life! I'm so stupid!"

"You're mean, Harry!" said Nagini.

"Oh yeah? Well I never wanted to be your friend in the first place!" said Harry.

Ron gasped. "Is this true Harry?!"

"You aren't only mean!" said Nagini. "You're a mean meany!"

"I hate you!" said Harry.

Ron burst into tears. "I hate you too Harry!"

"I can't believe that I ever wanted to stay with you!" said Nagini.

"Why don't you leave then?" said Harry.

"Because I live here too!" said Ron.

"I will, right after detention!" said Nagini.

"Good!" said Harry. "Hey Ron? Why are you crying?"

* * *

Harry, Nagini, and for some strange reason Ron, entered the dungeons to have their detention. 

"Hello Mr. Potter, snake." greeted Snape, "Weasley? Professor McGonagall didn't tell me about you Mr. Weasley."

Ron sniffled. "Why don't you ask _Harry_!"

Snape turned to Harry.

"No idea." said he.

"Oh well." said Snape. "It will be more fun this way."

Snape broke off to laugh insanely. He then abruptly stopped.

"For your detention you will be pickling lion fish livers." Snape started laughing insanely again as he walked out of the room.

"Have you ever seen Snape like this before?" asked Harry.

"Only once," said Nagini, "before throwing out a batch of ginger bread men."

"I've never seen him like this before," said Ron.

"This could either be really good, or really bad." said Harry.

"Most likely bad." said Nagini.

"I'm hoping it's good," said Ron.

"I hope not," said Harry in response to Nagini.

"What?" asked Ron. "You want me to suffer don't you!"

"Look Harry," began Nagini. "I over reacted earlier."

"Yes." said Harry.

"You _do _want me to suffer!" cried Ron.

"I was just upset about getting us in trouble." said Nagini.

"No." said Harry. "It was _I _who was upset."

"Wait," said Ron. "Do you, or do you not want me to suffer?"

"Do you want me to leave Hogwarts?" asked Nagini.

"No I don't." said Harry apologetically.

"You don't want me to suffer?" asked Ron.

"So are we friends again?" asked Nagini.

"I think we _should _be friends again." said Harry.

"Me too Harry!" said Ron happily.

Just then Snape walked in. "There is too much happiness here! Why aren't they suffering?! I need more fish livers!"

Snape ran out of the room.

"I think that we should put this whole incident behind us." said Harry.

"Yes," said Ron, "like it never happened."

"What are you talking about Ron?" asked Harry.

"Exactly." said Ron. "It _never _happened."

"Whatever." said Harry.

Just then Snape ran in with a huge barrel of fish livers. He tripped half way towards them and fell face first into the barrel.


	13. The Scariest Costume

Chapter Thirteen

The Scariest Costume

One day, at some random feast, Dumbledore stood up to make an announcement.

"Tomorrow is Halloween! I want everyone to wear a costume to the Halloween feast! You have twenty-four hours to complain about how you don't have enough time to make a costume. Then right before the feast, you'll probably just go and buy one from Fred and George."

The Great Hall filled with groans.

"What are you going to go as, Harry?" asked Ron.

"I don't know," said Harry, "but whatever it is, I'll never be able to make it in twenty four hours."

"Quite right," said Ron.

"One more thing," said Dumbledore. "Whoever has the best costume won't have to do their exams!"

"Oh boy!" said Nagini. "I'm going to make the best costume ever!"

"You don't need to come in a costume," said Harry. "Besides, you don't even _have _exams!"

"Oh yeah!" said Nagini. "Well I'm _still _going to have the best costume."

"What will you go as? You're already scary enough to terrify any first year."

"I'm not telling you yet, it will be a surprise." She said "And what do you mean scary enough to terrify a first year? I could scare the pants off of anyone in this room!"

"Alright," said Harry. "How about Malfoy?"

"Malfoy?" asked Nagini. "_Easy_!"

Nagini wove her way between unsuspecting student's legs until she came to the Slytherin table.

"Goodbye Malfoy," said Nagini right before biting his rear.

Malfoy screamed at the top of his lungs and jumped ten feet in the air.

"What... the... heck!" said Malfoy slowly.

"Mr. Malfoy!" said Dumbledore. "I know that the prospect of finding a costume is daunting, but that's no reason to freak out... or take off your pants."

"My pants?" asked Malfoy.

Nagini returned to Harry and put Malfoy's pants in Harry's lap.

"There!" said Nagini triumphantly.

* * *

Over the next day, all the students were freaking out because they had no idea how what they were going to be for Halloween.

"Costumes! Come get your costumes!" shouted Fred and George.

"We have many costumes sure to scare!" said George

"So beware!" shouted Fred

"But not before buying Weasley Wizarding Wheezes!"

"Do you have any good costumes?" asked Colin.

"Good costumes?" asked Fred.

"Step into our office," said George as he waved his wand and made a room appear around them, completely furnished.

"Have a seat," said Fred.

Colin sat down.

"Now you look like you would make a good-"

Ron burst in. "Hey! Get me the scariest thing that you have!"

"Excellent!" said George as he took Ron over to an oversized wardrobe. "Now this one," began George as he reached inside the wardrobe, "has gotten quite a few scares in its time."

"What is it?" asked Ron.

George removed a costume that closely resembled Voldemort.

"Voldemort?" asked Ron.

"Oh yes!" said George. "Do you remember that little incident at last years Halloween party?"

"Ah, say no more. How much?"

"Twenty Galleons."

"Twenty Gal-! How about the _family _price?"

"Twenty Galleons."

"What!?"

Harry burst in. "Hey! Get me the scariest thing you have!"

"Excellent!" said George. "We have this _lovely _Voldemort costume!"

"Really?" asked Harry. "How much?"

"Twenty... sickles."

"Oh good!" said Harry.

"Hey!" cried Ron. "Harry's not family!"

"Exactly!" said George. "Because he's not family, he doesn't get the family price."

Ron opened his mouth to say something, but remembered that this story is only rated k+ so he didn't say it. Meanwhile on the other side of the office, Fred was finishing up with Colin.

"Good choice!" said Fred. "You will make an excellent Dementor!"

Fred and George then waved their wands and the office vanished.


	14. The Halloween Party

Chapter Fourteen

The Halloween Party

Harry walked into the Great Hall with Ron and Hermione. Harry was wearing his Voldemort costume. Hermione went to the party as a Muggle, and Ron wasn't able to find a costume in time so he just glued some feathers to his clothes.

"Hello Harry!" said Dumbledore who was dressed up like Santa Clause.

"Hello Dumbledore," said Harry.

"You almost tricked me with that Voldemort costume," said Dumbledore, "but I was smart enough to figure it out."

"Hello Headmaster," said Snape who looked as he normally did except that he was wearing a trick arrow on his head.

Dumbledore turned around. "Hello Severu-AAAHHHHHH!!! SOMEONE CALL MADAM POMFREY!!! HARRY, DO YOU KNOW DPR?!"

"Headmaster," said Snape, "It's only a trick."

"AAAHHH- Oh. I knew that. I was just kidding about the whole freaking out thing. Ha ha! I fooled you all!"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"I saw that!" shouted Dumbledore.

"I was umm... rolling my eyes at Snape," said Harry quickly.

"Oh yeah," said Dumbledore, "because his costume is _clearly _fake, and the only reason that I freaked out is to scare you!"

"Right," said Ron.

Dumbledore looked at Ron and started freaking out again.

After Dumbledore calmed down, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked over to the refreshment table to get some candy.

"Some party, huh?" asked Ron.

A Dementor floated up to Harry.

"Wow! That's _really _scary Colin!" said Harry.

"Umm, Harry?" said Hermione.

"Yes?" asked Harry.

"Colin is on the other side of the room taking pictures. Look."

On the other side of the Great Hall, a small hooded Dementor Colin was taking pictures of Fred and George.

"But if that's Colin..." said Harry.

The Dementor closed in on Harry.

"AHH!"

"Harry," said Ron who was standing right next to him, "do a

Patronus or something!"

Dumbledore walked over to the candy table. "What?! They ate all the lemon drops?!"

"Umm... Dumbledore?" said Harry as he nodded to the Dementor.

"Wow Colin! That's _really _scary!"

Colin walked up to Dumbledore. "Thanks Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore looked at Colin and then at the Dementor. "I don't get it."

The Dementor groaned. Dumbledore gasped.

"I bet _you _ate all the lemon drops!" shouted Dumbledore before charging it. "You candy eater!" Dumbledore began beating up the Dementor.

"Umm... Headmaster?" asked Snape.

"Not now!" said Dumbledore. "I've nearly got it!"

Dumbledore gave the Dementor a few more hard punches until it vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Oh? Run away will you?!"

"Headmaster," said Snape. "_You _were the one who ate all the lemon drops."

"And they were so good!" said Dumbledore in a jolly voice. "Go get some more!"

"We're all out Headmaster."

Dumbledore's voice turned deep and evil. "_Get some more_!"

"Yes Headmaster!" said Snape fearfully. "Right away!"

"Excellent!" said Dumbledore in his jolly voice again.

"Did you get a photo of that?" Ron asked Colin.

"Sure did!" said Colin.

"Have you seen Nagini?" asked Harry after several hours of eating candy, getting Cho Chang upset for some reason, and watching Dumbledore freak out a few more times.

"No I haven't," said Hermione. "I'm not sure if I should be glad, or worried."

"And where's Ron? I haven't seen him since the Weird Sisters Concert two hours ago."

Ron stumbled across the room and nearly slammed into Harry. "Hey Harrys! What a great party!"

"I think you have had too many butterbeers Ron." said Harry.

"Wha do you mean?" asked Ron lazily. "I've only had a billion, billion, billion (burp) four."

"You're drunk!" said Hermione

"Yep, that's me!" said Ron. "Drunk as a sssssss... whatever."

"I didn't know that you could get drunk on butterbeer!" said Colin.

"Hey Harry!" said Ron. "Do I sound like Snape? _Fifty points from Gryffindor because you're all ugly_! Ha ha ha! Except for you Hermione! You look... _not_ as ugly as usual. What did you do? Drink a beautiful potion? And why are there four of you?"

"You're getting on my nerves Ron," said Hermione.

"Aww it isn't Halloween until _someone_ gets on Hermione's nerves!"

"You're crossing the line Ron," said Hermione threateningly.

"Crossing what line Her-my-nee?"

Harry noticed something slithering across the floor toward the teacher's table.

"Umm I've gotta go," said Harry quickly as he ran off.

"Don't go Harry!" said Ron. "I haven't even _started _about you!"


	15. The Elixir of Crazy

Chapter Fifteen

The Elixir of Crazy

Harry dipped and dived in between students trying to catch up with Nagini, who was slithering towards the Teachers table. He accidentally crashed into Malfoy who hadn't been able to find a costume in time so he had just glued some feathers to his clothes.

"Watch it Potter!" said Malfoy as he stood up and dusted himself off.

"Sorry Malfoy gotta go!"

"Hold on!" said Malfoy. "You've never apologized to me before."

"Oh. Well then I take it back!"

"Too late! You can't take an apology back."

"Okay." said Harry. "Then I'll just have to un-earn it."

"How are you going to do that?"

Harry shoved Malfoy into the candy table and resumed trying to catch Nagini. She climbed up the back of Professor McGonagall's chair. Harry lunged through the air and grabbed Nagini.

"Excuse me Mr. Potter!" said Professor McGonagall.

"Sorry Professor," said Harry. "I tripped."

"Tripped? You practically lunged at me!"

"You know Harry," said Nagini, "lunging is a combination of running and jumping. Running and jumping can also be thought of as skipping. So in reality, you were skipping at Professor McGonagall."

"Shut up!" said Harry.

"Excuse me?!" said Professor McGonagall.

"Sorry Professor! I wasn't talking to you! I-umm... hear voices in my head!"

"Voices in your head?"

"Oh yeah. And they tell me to do things, so I told them to shut up."

Professor McGonagall starred at Harry for a few seconds more. "Well get those voices under control!"

Harry heard a crash from the other side of the Great Hall. "Gotta go!" He stuffed Nagini in his pocket and ran towards the noise.

"You rotten, lazy, useless, homework shirker, goblin brain, offense to my existence!" shouted Hermione while sending curses and jinxes at Ron who was hiding behind an overturned table.

"Boy are you _crabby_!" said Ron. "We should call you _Crabby-McGranger_!"

Hermione sent a particularly powerful spell at Ron that caused the table he was hiding behind to explode. Ron quickly darted behind another table.

"What's going on Hermione?!" asked Harry.

"Ron is driving me _insane_!" shouted Hermione.

"Hey Hermione," called Ron. "You should marry Crabbe. Then you would be... _Hermione Crabbe_!"

"See what I mean?" asked Hermione.

"Yes Hermione," said Harry, "I would be outraged if Ron was talking to _me _like that."

"Ha ha, Hermione Crabbe!" said a voice in Harry's pocket.

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about this would you Nagini?" asked Harry.

"What me? No way!"

"Hey Ron," called Harry, "what have you had to drink tonight."

"Well, three butterbeers, two cups of pumpkin juice, four cups of dandelion juice, six cups of the punch, seven cups of tea... oh, and one very strange foul tasting drink that was offered to me by a stranger in the shadows who had a snake tail for a hand."

Harry turned to Nagini.

"I know this looks bad, but might I point out that Neville Longbottom is wearing a snake costume!"

"You!" shouted Hermione.

"Oh cricket!" said Nagini. "Look, it's not all that bad. In the morning, Ron will be back to normal and he wont remember a thing."

"I don't care!" said Harry. "You turned Ron into an inconsiderable jerk! Wait, you said Ron wouldn't remember anything?"

"Yep! Not a thing."  
A wide grin spread across Harry and Hermione's faces.

"Neither will anyone else," said Nagini.

"What do you mean, _anyone else_?" asked Harry.

"Oh, you know, everyone who's had the punch."

"The punch?!" gasped Harry.

"The punch?!" gasped Hermione. "I've had the punch and I don't feel weird."

"It takes a few minutes," said Nagini.

Harry relayed this to Hermione.

"But I had my first cup twenty minutes ago," said Hermione.

"Oh good!" said Nagini. "It should be kicking in about now."

* * *

Voldemort sat in his favorite chair at the Death Eater Halloween party. Of all the Halloween parties that Voldemort had ever been to, this was probably the dullest.

"Come on Master," said Lucius, "why don't you dance? It's your favorite song."

The song, _I'm gonna kill some muggles tonight_, played over the radio. Voldemort grunted.

"How about you eat some refreshments?" offered Bellatrix. "I spent all evening making these."

"They're not as good as Snape's!" said Voldemort angrily. "He had to go to _Dumbledore's _party!"

"You miss Nagini don't you," said Wormtail.

"Ha, that nag? Of course not! Although I do miss how she use to put The Elixir of Crazy in the punch so that we all would act drunk and then forget about it."

"I miss that too." said Bellatrix.

"You're alreadycrazy!" said Voldemort.

"Only a little," said Bellatrix.

After a few more minutes Voldemort finally snapped and started trashing the place.


	16. The Aftermath

Chapter Sixteen

The Aftermath

Harry woke up in his four-poster bed with a terrible headache... and a lampshade.

"Oh dear!" said Harry as he got up.

"Finally awake?" asked Nagini. "You were a lucky one. Most students weren't able to find their way to their dormitories. I think I saw Neville sleeping in the owlery."

Harry put his shoes on and abruptly took them off again.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that Dean Thomas threw up in your shoes." said Nagini.

"You could have told me that _before _I put them on!"

"You put your shoes on too fast. One second they're off, and the next they're on. It's crazy!"

"Well just because you don't wear shoes doesn't mean that they're hard to put on," said Harry upset.

Ron sat up and pulled a violin out of his pocket. "That must have been one great party! Or at least it had been the last time I woke up with a violin."

"How much do you remember from last night?" asked Harry.

"Not much after the Weird Sisters concert."

Harry turned to Nagini. "What happened last night?"

"Well," began Nagini, "first Dumbledore saw Snape's costume and started freaking out-"

"No, I mean after Hermione and I got drunk."

"Oh! Well first, Hermione thought that she was a spider, then Ron thought that she was a spider and tried to squish her with his shoe, then Colin thought that he was an actual Dementor and started trying to scare Dumbledore... come to think of it, I don't think that Dumbledore ever took the potion. Either way, Dumbledore was quite frightened, screaming 'Don't kiss me! Don't kiss me!' all across the room. Umm... Fred thought that he was George and George thought that he was Ron. Oh yeah, and Snape won the costume contest because of his fantastic table dancing-"

_

* * *

Flashback..._

"First I was afraid..." Snape sung, "then I was petrified. Thinking how I could never live without being at your side. Then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong, and I learned how to get along, but now your back..."

Snape started dancing and all the students cheered.

"...from the dead. I just walked in to find you here with that sour look upon your head. Weren't you the one that said my cooking was no good that I would burn it, that it tasted like wood. Oh no not I... I will survive!"

_

* * *

Returning from flashback..._

"Hold on," said Harry as he related all of this to Ron.

"Ha ha!" said Ron. "Hermione _should _changer her name to _Crabby McGranger_."

"That's how you got your black eye," said Harry.

"I have a black eye?" asked Ron before running off to the bathrooms and screaming.

"What happened to me?" asked Harry.

"You?" asked Nagini. "You saw yourself in a mirror and thought that you were Voldemort, and started trying to kill yourself. Then you gave up and started trying to kill other people..."

Harry put his face in his hands and started moaning. "Why Nagini?"

"Don't worry Harry," said Nagini, "you weren't able to kill anyone because you had one of Fred and George's fake wands."

"No not that," said Harry. "Why did you do this?!"

"Why? It's a huge blast at the Death Eater parties."

"Do we look like Death Eaters to you?!" asked Harry.

"Well maybe with time-"

"Hey Harry," said Ron as he walked in, "I used up all of your flesh colored makeup so you'll-" Ron saw Nagini and started freaking out.

"Ron! It's okay!" shouted Harry

"Oh! So you mean that Fred and George put a spell on Neville to make him look like this?"

"No, I mean that this is Voldemort's snake, but-"

Ron started freaking out again.

"He's never seen me before?" asked Nagini.

"Well he did see you in Diagon Alley," said Harry.

"It's the same snake that attacked me in Diagon Alley?!" gasped Ron before freaking out even more.

"Ron!" cried Harry.

"What?" asked Ron half way through tearing his hair out.

"Nagini is on _our_ side now."  
"I'll never believe that!" said Ron crazily.

"No look." said Harry as he reached into his pocket and removed an every flavored been. "Roll over Nagini."

"What?!" asked Nagini.

"Roll over," said Harry again.

"I'm not a dog!" said Nagini angrily.

"Just do it," said Harry.

"Fine!" said Nagini before rolling over.

"Good!" said Harry as he tossed Nagini the every flavored bean. Then he reached into his pocket and removed a ball. "Now fetch!"

"That's where I draw the line!" said Nagini furiously.

Harry tossed the ball.

"Ooh, a ball!" said Nagini totally forgetting about what she was saying.

She caught the ball in mid air and put it in Harry's hand.

"Okay Harry," said Ron, "I believe you."

"You owe me big time for this!" said Nagini.

"Just think of it as pay back for what you did at the party," said Harry slyly.

"What did I do at the party?" asked Ron.


	17. Snake at The Quidditch Match

Chapter Seventeen

Snake at The Quidditch Match

Several days after the unfortunate Halloween incident, the big November Quidditch match came along.

"So what happens after you hit the snitch?" asked Nagini as she slithered along side Harry.

"You don't hit the snitch," said Harry, "you catch it."

"Oh... and then you hit it."

"No."

"Well then why _do _you catch the snitch?" asked Nagini.

"To win," said Harry.

"That's stupid!" said Nagini. "Why couldn't you just use a summoning charm to get it to come to you?"

"Well you see... umm... I don't know. There's probably something to prevent that. I'll ask Hermione."

"And what's up with the Bludger? What's its problem? Why does it have to hurt people?"

"Its just part of the game." said Harry.

"Yeah well I never liked the sport!" said Nagini.

"Oh good! So you can stay in the trunk during the match."

Nagini gasped. "Stay in the trunk while a perfectly good Quidditch game is going on? Never!"

* * *

Shortly after potions class, Harry went to Hermione to ask her a question.

"Watch that _thing _during the match?!" gasped Hermione. "Are you raving mad?"

"Please Hermione?" asked Harry.

"No! By the way, what did you do with that snake in pervious matches?"

"I've never told her about previous matches so she just assumed that I was in a class, but this time she overheard me talking to Ron."

"Well I'm sorry Harry, but there's no way that I'm going to baby-sit that- that- insult to society!" snapped Hermione.

"But Hermione," said Harry, "if you don't keep an eye on her, she might cause another Halloween incident."

Hermione shuddered. "No! There is absolutely no way that you are going to get me to watch her!"

* * *

Nagini sat next to a sour Hermione, excitedly waiting for the Gryffindor team to come onto the field.

"Hey Hermione," said Colin as he walked by, "is that seat next to you taken?"

Nagini lashed out and hissed at Colin.

"Never mind!" said Colin as he ran away.

"This is so stupid!" said Hermione.

"AND HERE COMES GRYFFINDOR!!!" narrated Lee Jordan with his voice magnified.

"Yeah! Go Gryffindor!" said Nagini excitedly.

"AND OVER HERE WE HAVE SLYTHERIN!!!"

"Boo! BOO!" shouted Nagini.

"No one understands what you're saying!" said Hermione. "It's all just hissing!"

"I am very insulted!" said Nagini. "Parselmouth is an old and proud language!"

Hermione pulled out a parselmouth translation book. "What do you mean that parselmouth is just old luggage?"

"Never mind!" said Nagini.

"I have _not _lost my mind!" said Hermione angrily.

Nagini sighed angrily "Stupid Mudbloods!"

"Steve did _what_?!"

* * *

Harry flew gracefully through the air trying to find the snitch.

"Look out Harry!" called Fred as a Bludger flew within inches of Harry's head.

"Thanks George!" said Harry.

"It's Fred." called Fred.

"Oops. Sorry Edd."

"I'm Fred!"

"You're dead?" gasped Harry. "That doesn't make any sense Edd!"

"No, I'm Fred!"

"Oh! Fred!" said Harry.

"Snitch!" called Fred.

"I am _not _a snitch!" said Harry.

"No, snitch!"

Harry turned around to see a golden blur orbiting his head. He reached out to grab it but it flew away. Harry followed it and was quickly joined by Malfoy.

"Back off Potter!" said Malfoy.

"No way!" said Harry.

"I didn't want to do this," said Malfoy.

* * *

Meanwhile back in the stands, Hermione noticed that Nagini had disappeared.

* * *

"This is your last chance!" called Malfoy.

"Never!" shouted Harry.

"Are you sure?"

"Okay, this is like the fifth last chance that you've given me. Get it over with!"

"Alright!" said Malfoy.

Just then, from out of nowhere, a flying snake latched on to Malfoy's broom.

"AHH! Get it off!" cried Malfoy.

"_That's _your move?" asked Harry. "I've gotta say, that's pretty lame. No wonders you didn't want to do it."

Nagini started climbing up the broom towards Malfoy. Malfoy stared flying crazily and at the same time crying, "Get it off! Get it off! It's scratching my polished broom handle!"

Malfoy flew out of control and crashed into a very startled Snape. Hermione ran up to the wreckage and removed a squirming Nagini.

"Mr. Malfoy what is the meaning of this?" said Snape in an acid voice.

"Umm... well you see... er... I was attacked!"

"Just get back on the Quidditch field!" said Snape angrily.

Malfoy remounted his broom to take off. As he took off, Snape gave his broom a hard kick sending Malfoy spinning into the air.

* * *

"Why you sneaky little snake!" shouted Hermione as she sat back in her seat.

"Hey now, I may be sneaky, but I'm not 'little'." said Nagini "I'm practically gigantic!"

"I don't care if you are a genius!" said Hermione. "What you did was uncalled-for!"

"Hey! Harry won, didn't he?"

"Harry won?" asked Hermione.

"POTTER CATCHES THE SNITCH, GRYFFINDOR WINS!!!" announced Lee Jordan.


	18. Ron and Hermione Unite!

AN: My sister and I were up until 11:30 on Halloween night writing this chapter.

* * *

Chapter Eighteen

Ron and Hermione Unite!

_Dr. Brad sat in his office looking over some X-rays when his receptionist, Diana called him._

_"What is it?" asked Dr. Brad._

_"The funeral home called and wanted to tell you that Margaret's funeral will be this Friday," replied Diana._

_"Oh... thanks," said Dr. Brad sadly._

_Dr. Brad returned to his desk and made some notes about the X-rays. Suddenly there was a huge explosion behind Dr. Brad flinging him foreword. He was knocked out the moment he hit the polished Hospital floor._

_Several minutes later Dr. Brad came to._

"Hermione!" called Ron. "What are you reading?"

Hermione slammed the book shut. "Oh you know, just _Hogwarts A History_. There's this great chapter about Goblin intervention in the late 12th-"

"Yeah yeah, what ever!" said Ron. "Sorry I asked."

Ron walked across the room and opened his school bag. Nagini popped out. "Hello Ron!"

"AHH!" cried Ron.

"Nagini!" cried Hermione. "I thought I told you not to go in there."

"I thought I saw something moving!" said Nagini even though Hermione couldn't understand her.

Harry walked in. "I heard you yelling Ron."

"Yeah!" said Ron. "Your snake startled me."

"Did you see something moving in Ron's bag again?" asked Harry.

Nagini nodded.

"Honestly!" said Ron. "I'm going to have a spasm some day because of that snake!"

"Don't you mean a heart attack?" asked Hermione.

"What the heck is a heart attack?!" shouted Ron. "Is that where Nagini tries to bite my heart?"

"Never mind!" said Hermione.

"Good!" said Ron.

"Is that all?" asked Harry. "Because I've gotta go."

Harry left the room. Nagini followed.

"I tell you Hermione," said Ron, "some day that snake is going to do something bad. It's trouble I tell you!"

"I agree!" said Hermione. "We need to do something about it!"

"Excellent idea!"

"Do you think Harry would mind?"

"Would he mind?" asked Ron. "Harry wants her gone as much as we do!"

"So should we tell him then?" asked Hermione.

"No, he might try to stop us if we did."

"Okay, lets do this!"

* * *

Harry was walking down the hall with Nagini following him. After half an hour of this Nagini finally got upset.

"Where are you going Harry?" asked Nagini. "And why is it taking you so long to get there? I don't have all day!"

"Have all day?" asked Harry. "What could you _possibly _have to do right now?"

"I have many things to do. In fact I think I'll go do some of them right now."

Nagini slithered off.

"Works every time." said Harry slyly.

Harry walked off only to be followed by Dumbledore.

* * *

Nagini slithered down a corridor trying to think of something to do when she saw a dead rat hanging by a string.

"Oh boy! A mouse!" said Nagini as she ran up to eat it.

She swallowed it in one bite. Suddenly the string that the rat had been tied to started pulling Nagini.

"Hey!" said Nagini as she was pulled out of sight.

* * *

Harry returned to the Gryffindor common room after enjoying several snake free hours.

"Hey Harry!" said Ron proudly. "We have a present for you!"

"Oh boy!" said Harry. "Where is it?"

"That's the point!" said Ron. "You can't find it!"

"What kind of present is that?" asked Harry.

"The kind you don't _want _to find." said Hermione.

"Okay," said Harry. "I'm just gonna forget that we had this conversation. Where's Nagini?"

Ron and Hermione smiled at each other.

"What did you do?" asked Harry suspiciously.

Ron and Hermione smiled even bigger.

"What?!"

"Surprise!" said Ron.

* * *

Nagini woke up in a cage in the room of requirement.

"That must have been a _really _bad mouse!" said Nagini. "Almost as bad as the one that killed my cousin! Where the heck am I?"

Just then Dumbledore walked in and chuckled to himself. "This is the perfect place to hide it."

"To hide what?" asked Nagini.

"What was that hissing?!" gasped Dumbledore as he looked around and saw Nagini. "Oh my gosh! It's a snake!!"

Dumbledore started running around in circles screaming.

"I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!"

Snape ran in. "I'll save you Dumbledore!"

Snape grabbed Dumbledore and pulled him out of the room.

"Snape," said Dumbledore. "you saved my life!"

"What exactly did I save you from?" asked Snape.

"I can't remember."

"And might I ask what you were doing in there?" asked Snape.

"Oh. I was hiding the... you know... _the secret plans_."

Nagini listened.

"Headmaster I've told time and time again to keep those in your office!"

"I'm sorry Snape. I just keep thinking that they might be found in my office. And by the way, what were _you _doing in the room of requirement?"

"Umm... saving you of course."

"Good thinking!" said Dumbledore. "Now lets go eat."

* * *

"You did WHAT?!" gasped Harry.

"We thought you'd be happy." said Ron. "Hermione and I both did."

"I have no idea what Ron's talking about," said Hermione, "but I'm sure he did the right thing."

"How could you?!" asked Harry. "Gosh darn it, now I've gotta go save her!"

Harry stood for a few seconds.

"Aren't you going?" asked Ron.

"I will," said Harry, "but the thought of a few more hours without her sounds quite good right now."

"Let's go eat!" said Hermione.

* * *

"If I ever..." began Nagini as Harry took her out of the room of requirement later, "...find the person who did this to me... I'll kill them! Oh and by the way, how are Ron and Hermione doing? I haven't seen them since this morning."

"Oh, you know," said Harry, "Hermione's mad at Ron because he doesn't care about her feelings, Ron's mad at Hermione because she won't shut up, and he doesn't care about her feelings."

"That's nice!" said Nagini.


	19. Exploding Brief Cases

Chapter Nineteen

Exploding Brief Cases

_Dr. Brand cautiously walked down the abandon hospital hallway. His 9mm glistened in the moonlight._

_"Hello Dr." said a sinister voice behind him._

_Dr. Brad spun around to see Diana holding a gun to his head._

_"Why?" asked Dr. Brad._

_"Why?!" said Diana half laughing. "Why not. With you and that slut Margaret out of the way, there will be no one to stop me!"_

_"So _you _killed Margaret!" gasped Dr. Brad._

_"Yes. She was to close to figuring it out."_

_"Listen, you don't have to kill me. We can run off with the money together. We could hide in the country side where the police would never find us."_

_"It's too late." said Diana. "I've already made my decision."_

_The sound of gunfire filled the halls. Diana stood motionless for a few seconds, then dropped dead. Standing behind her was someone wearing a ski mask._

_"You're in deeper than you think." said the person._

_"Would you care to explain how deep?" asked Dr. Brad._

_"I'd love to." said the person as they took off their mask._

_Dr. Brad gasped. "You!"_

_"Yes. It is I-"_

"Dark Lord!" called Lucius.

Voldemort looked up from his book. "You had better have a good reason for interrupting me!"

"I do master." said Lucius. "Snape sent a letter about your snake."

"My Nagini?!" gasped Voldemort "Give me the letter."

Lucius reached into his brief case. "Hold on one second, I need to separate it from my legal documents."

"GIVE ME THE LETTER!!!" shouted Voldemort as he ripped Lucius' brief case out of his hands.

Voldemort then turned it upside down, spilling papers all over the floor.

"Here it is master." said Lucius as he handed Voldemort a piece of parchment.

"Good." said Voldemort. "Now be gone!"

"But I need to clean up my documents."

"BE GONE!!!"

Lucius ran off. Voldemort sat down at his desk and opened the letter.

_Dear Dark Lord, it begins. I have more information about your snake. Just a few weeks before Halloween, I saw Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley forcing Nagina-_

"It's Nagini Snape."

_Oh thanks. -Nagini to pickle lion fish livers. Then at the Hogwarts Halloween party, Harry Lunged at her only because she put the Elixir of crazy in the punch. Then, just yesterday, I saw Mr. Weasley and Mss. Granger tie her to a dead rat, _and drag her across the floor_! You should really do something about this._

_Love Snape_

"That's it!" said Voldemort. "I think that I'm going to do something about this! I'll leave right now!"

Lucius walked in. "Snape also sent some cookies."

"Cookies?!" gasped Voldemort. "Oh boy! Bring them here!"

"Okay, I just need to separate them from my other legal documents-"

Voldemort pointed his wand at Lucius' other brief case and made it explode. Papers and cookies splattered all over the room.

"I think that I'll just be leaving." said Lucius.

"Oh no! You said that you wanted to clean up your stuff? Well start cleaning!"

* * *

Harry and Ron were sitting in the common room doing their homework. Nagini was lying by the fire.

Harry gasped. "I have a terrible felling that somewhere right now, Voldemort is punishing one of his Death Eaters."

"Who?" asked Ron.

"I don't know. I'm not getting very good reception."

"What are you?" asked Nagini, "some kind of antenna?"

"Maybe you should go to the astronomy tower." suggested Ron.

"No, that never works." said Harry. "Pass the _Stupefy Red._"

"Here you go." said Ron.

"Hold on one moment." said Hermione. "Why would you be needing crayons with your homework?"

Ron stuttered. "Umm... er... You see..."

"You're drawing in those coloring books again aren't you?" said Hermione angrily

"As a matter of fact were not!" said Harry.

"Yeah." said Ron. "We're using the crayons to illustrate the effects of drinking a bad dung weed potion."

"Hand them over!" said Hermione.

Harry and Ron sheepishly pulled two coloring books out from behind their books. Hermione snatched them away.

"You can have these back when you finish your homework!"

"Oh!" said Ron. "Well then... you might as well just throw them in the fire now!"

"Oh my gosh!" gasped Harry. "I think that Voldemort is coming to Hogwarts!"


	20. The Jerk

Chapter Twenty

The Jerk

"How about exploding chocolates?" asked Harry.

"No," said Ron, "Those make me feel sick."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had gone to Hogsmeade to fill up on their supply of candy.

"How about some every-flavor beans?" asked Hermione.

"Yes, those sound good," said Harry as he grabbed ten boxes.

"Every-flavor beans?" asked George as he and Fred walked in.

"What about them?" asked Ron.

"Oh nothing," said Fred.

Harry, Ron and Hermione placed their goodies on the check out counter. Harry reached into his bag for his money, but couldn't find it.

"What is it?" asked Hermione.

"I left all my money back at the Three Broomsticks." said Harry

"Well hurry up!" said Ron.

Harry ran out of the shop.

"Could you please move out of the way," said the witch at the counter, "you're holding up the line."

"Hey!" said Ron. "Aren't you the witch who sold Hermione the medication for her cat in Diagon Alley?"

"Umm... I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yes you do!"

"Okay! So I like to work in Diagon Alley over the summer! Sue me!"

"Really?"

"No. Now GO!"

"Fine!" said Ron as he moved out of the way.

* * *

Harry ran into the Three Broomsticks to find his money. He had left it in the windowsill beside the table where they had shared butterbeers.

"Hey Harry?" said Colin.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Some idiot forgot their money. Let's go spend it!"

"Yeah!" said Harry in a sinister voice. "Hold on, that's _my _money! Give it back!"

"Oops! My bad! Sorry Harry!" said Colin as he walked off embarrassed.

Harry spun around and bolted for the exit, but instantly crashed into someone wearing a hooded cloak.

"Sorry!" said Harry quickly.

"Sorry?!" said the person as they pulled themselves off the ground. "Why I should curse the living- Harry!! Oh, Hello! Nice to meet you!"

"Umm... hi."

"Say dear boy, could you please help me walk to the exit?"

"Er... okay."

Harry helped the hooded wizard to the exit.

"Thank you good child! Now could you help me walk over into that dark alley there?"

"Okay."

Harry took the wizard into the dark alley.

"Very good, young one. And now... Ha ha ha!"

Voldemort took off his hood but Harry was faster.

"_Expelliarmus_!" shouted Harry.

Voldemort's wand shot out of his hand. "What?! You can't do that!"

"I just did!"

"Jerk!"

"Hey!"

"Well you are!" retorted Voldemort.

"I am not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Oh yeah? Prove it!"

"I will! Why just yesterday- Hold on! You're Voldemort!"

"Did you just _now _figure that out?"

"What do you want?"

"I _want _you to give me my snake back!"

"I want you to _take _your snake back!"

"Why? Do you not like her? Are you too _good _for her?!"

"No!" said Harry. "Let's just say that I now know why they call her _Nag_ini."

"Heh heh, yeah. Wait, you think she nags too much too?" asked Voldemort.

"Yeah. So what?"

"Is that why you were so mean to her?" asked Voldemort before listing all the things in Snape's letter.

"Pickle fish liver? What are you talking about? It was _Snape_ that made Nagini _and I_ pickle fish livers! And at the Halloween feast, I was trying to stop her from sneaking up on poor old Professor McGonagall. And as for the dead rat thing, Ron and Hermione did that. I was the one who _saved _her."

"Wait, are you saying Snape _lied _to me?"

"Yes."

"But I thought I trusted him!"

"Maybe he just wants you get Nagini back so that she won't burst in his class room asking, 'Harry, why aren't you looking for me?'"

"You use the hide and seek trick too?" asked Voldemort.

"Would you like to discuss this over a butterbeer?" asked Harry.

"Okay!"


	21. I Have My Reasons

Chapter Twenty-One

I Have My Reasons

"Where do you suppose Harry's gone?" asked Ron after half an hour of waiting for him.

"Don't know," said Hermione.

"Do you think he got sidetracked?"

"Perhaps. Maybe we should go find him."

"And leave all this candy that we spent almost five minutes picking out?" asked Ron. "Never!"

"_You _stay. I'm leaving."

"What?! You can't just walk away from me!"

Hermione moved for the exit.

"HEY!!" shouted Ron.

Hermione continued. Ron cried out in defeat, shoved all his candy into the arms of a third year, and ran after her.

Fred and George walked in front of them.

"Hello distinguished customers!" said Fred.

"Move over!" said Hermione.

"And let a potential sale get past us? No way!" said George.

"What's all this about?" asked Ron.

"In the last chapter, you gave us a great idea!" said Fred.

"Yes," said George. "You mentioned the every-flavored beans."

"So we had the greatest idea ever!" said Fred.

"Allow us to present-"

"-without further ado-"

"-Fred and George's brand new-"

"Flavored crayons!" finished Fred.

Upon finishing Fred and George waved their wands and made a table magically appear with boxes and boxes of brightly packaged crayons.

"Brilliant!" said Ron.

"We thought that you would like it." said George.

"Not now!" said Hermione. "We need to find Harry!"

"But we haven't shown you all the flavors yet!" said Fred.

"Yes," said George, "the _Avada-Kedavra Green _we made lime."

"Indeed!" said Fred. "And we made _Gryffindor Gold _chicken flavored."

"So true!" said George. "And as for _Uncle Vernon's Angry Face Purple_, we did..."

* * *

"So how did you distract Ron and Hermione so that they wouldn't come looking for me?" asked Harry to Voldemort inside the Three Broomsticks.

"Oh, I just called _The Weasley Wrongdoers _to distract them." said Voldemort.

"You mean Fred and George right?"

"Yes of course!"

"Oh! I get it! That's one of their nick-names."

Voldemort slapped his forehead.

"So how are we going to do this?" asked Harry.

"Well, the way I see it, Nagini is probably dying to see me again, so why don't you just get her into Hogsmeade, and I'll meet her, we'll have a tearful reunion, yada yada yada... everything's back to normal."

"I don't think that will work," said Harry.

"How come?"

"Well you see, I don't think that she misses you."

"W-what!" gasped Voldemort. "She's just probably adapting that's all. Once she sees me, she will go right back to normal!"

"Actually just this morning she killed and owl, removed all it intestines, and asked me to mail them to you."

"That _does _seem a bit odd." said Voldemort in agreement.

"What we need," said Harry, "is some way to make Nagini hate me, and in the same day become friends with you again."

"The last part should be _easy_! Actually, it _all _should be easy. I mean, _I _hate you, and I love myself, I see no reason why Nagini would have a separate opinion."

"You seem like the _only _person who likes you." mumbled Harry to himself.

"What did you say?!"

"Nothing."

"That's what I thought!"

"Then why did you ask in the first place?"

"I have my reasons." said Voldemort.

"_Okay... _moving onWe need a place to plan how to do this."

"Do what?"

"Get Nagini back to you and away from me!"

"What's wrong with here?" asked Voldemort.

Draco accidentally bumped into Voldemort.

"Sorry baldy." said Malfoy as he stood up.

"What was that?!" asked Voldemort angrily.

"I said, sorry bal- bal-big scary dark wizard!"

Malfoy ran out of the room. Voldemort hit Malfoy on the back of the head with a flame curse.

"Ha ha ha!"

Snape looked up from a table across the room. "Good one master."

"Shut up Snape!" snapped Voldemort. "I'm still mad at you for lying to me!"

"Sorry master." said Snape as he put his head back down.

"See what I mean?" asked Harry.

"I'm sorry, what were we talking about?" asked Voldemort.

"A secret place to do our planning!"

"Oh yeah! I know just the place!"

"Where?" asked Harry.

"Well, back when I was a student, there was this great restaurant that the buddies and I used to go to. They have good food, fine service, and a pleasant environment!"

"Ooh! Sound's nice!" said Harry.

"Yeah, it might still be around. It's called the _Hogs Head_."

"The what?! That place is so dark and evil!"

"Oh good! It hasn't changed!"


	22. Scheming

Chapter Twenty-Two

Scheming

"Okay, so this is what we have planned so far," said Harry at the Hogs Head. "I walk in holding a mongoose. Nagini freaks out. Are you sure that she's afraid of mongooses?"

"Positive." said Voldemort while coloring in a _Harry Potter coloring and activity book_. "Has anyone ever told Fred and George that they draw me very well? Ha! They make Snape look like a girl!"

"That _is_ a girl," said Harry.

"Oh..."

"Right... Mongoose it is. Anyways, you then run in and hit the mongoose with a killing curse, and me with a disarming spell. I fly backwards onto some mattresses that we piled up earlier, la la la, you look like a hero."

"This is almost _too _easy," said Voldemort.

"Indeed, that's why it's vital that you don't mix up the killing curse with the disarming spell. Because if you did, then I would die."

"And we wouldn't want that." said Voldemort agreement.

"There you are Harry!" said Nagini as she came in the entrance to the Hogs Head. "Boy are you hard to find!"

Nagini paused and looked at Harry and Voldemort.

"You're scheming aren't you!" said Nagini angrily.

"No no!" said Harry quickly.

"Yes, indeed not," said Voldemort. "Can't you see that I've effectively lured Harry into my trap?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Harry nervously.

Both Voldemort and Harry dived for their wands. Voldemort got his first and disarmed Harry.

"You truly are a stupid boy!" said Voldemort triumphantly. "Now you shall die."

"Hey Harry!" said Hermione as she and Ron walked in. Everyone froze.

"Woah!" said Ron. "Sorry to interrupt you. We'll just be leaving."

Ron pushed Hermione out of the shop as fast as he could.

"Now where was I?" asked Voldemort. "Ahh yes!" Voldemort moved in for the kill. "Avada-"

"Wait!" said Nagini. "Are you going to kill Harry and then make me eat him?!"

"You make her eat the people you kill?" asked Harry.

"I thought she liked it," said Voldemort.

"Well, sorta," said Nagini, "but you're still just a jerk!"

Nagini ran out of the room crying. Voldemort and Harry remained frozen.

"Whew!" said Voldemort. "We sure fooled her!"

"Yeah," said Harry as he stood up and grabbed his wand. "You had me fooled for a second there too."

"Let's get a drink. All this planning makes me thirsty!"

* * *

After a few more hours of planning, Harry and Voldemort finally had come up with a decent plan, but it involved including Hermione and Ron.

"No way!" said Hermione to Harry. "There is no way that I'm doing anything with... _him_!"

"Come on Hermione!" said Ron. "It sounds brilliant!"

"It sounds stupid!" snapped Hermione.

"Did someone say stupid?" asked two all too familiar voices.

"What are you trying to sell us now Fred?" asked Harry.

"Nothing," said George. "We just wanted to know what was stupid."

"Sorry," said Ron, "top secret, Hogwarts business."

"Oh don't give us that one!" said Fred. "We _invented _that line."

"Actually Hagrid did." said Harry.

"Oh yeah," said Ron. "From the first book."

"What?!" asked Hermione.

"Moving on," said George. "What were you talking about?"

"Harry and Voldemort are planning a way to get rid of Nagini." said Ron.

"That sounds fun!" said Fred. "Can we be a part of it? Please!"

"Umm... Okay," said Harry.

"Yeah!" said Fred and George together.

"So how are we going to do it?" asked George.

Harry laughed sinisterly, making Ron and Hermione recoil in surprise. Fred and George joined in on the laughing.

"So what _are_ we going to do?" asked Ron.


	23. The Plan

AN: This is perhaps my favorite chapter.

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Three

The Plan

Nagini was sleeping in her trunk in the common room when she heard someone talking. She peeked out of the trunk and saw Harry and Ron, both holding pieces of parchment and reading them.

"Hello Ron," read Harry from his parchment.

"Hello Harry," read Ron.

"My what a beautiful day it is today," read Harry. "Wouldn't you agree Hermione?"

"This is so stupid!" said Hermione.

Ron looked at his lines and then at Harry.

"Just keep reading," whispered Harry.

"Why you're right Hermione," read Ron. "The cabbage today _did _taste funny."

"It must be those darn house elves," read Harry.

"Say I have an idea."

"What is it Ron?"

"Why don't we make Nagini eat those naughty house elves?"

"That's brilliant," read Harry.

"Did someone say brilliant?" read Fred and George from their papers as they walked over.

"Yes Fred," read Harry. "We were going to make Nagini eat all the house elves."

"But how are you going to do that?" read George.

"We're going to lie to Nagini and tell her that they want to turn her into a pie," read Ron.

"Ha," read Fred. "She will never see it coming."

"That _is _brilliant," read George. "Hey I know. Why don't we celebrate our brilliantness by buying some _Weasley Wizarding Wheezes_! Their great for all occasions."

"Yes," read Fred. "You can buy them by just asking the two most handsome students in Hogwarts."

"But who are they?" read George.

"Us."

"Ha ha ha!"

"That's not in the script," said Ron.

"Anyways," read Harry. "Why don't we go find her now to do our dirty work?"

"Yes, very good," read Ron.

"Ha ha ha!" read Voldemort as he walked over holding a piece of parchment too.

"Oh no!" read Harry. "It's Voldemort. He's always ruining our evil plans."

"That's right," read Voldemort. "I can't let you do that to Nagini."

"What are you going to do about it?" read Ron.

"Flibbily wibbly hocus pocus!" read Voldemort while he drew his wand.

"Oh no!" said Harry and Ron as they pretended to be blasted backwards.

"Ha!" read Voldemort. "Now you have paid for being jerks."

"THIS IS SO STUPID!" shouted Hermione.

Colin walked in. "Oh my gosh! It's Voldemort! Can I have your autograph?!"

"What?!" asked Voldemort.

"You're right. It would be difficult to make people believe that it was real. How about a picture?! I brought my camera!"

"No! I draw the line at pictures!"

Dumbledore burst into the room. "Did someone say that Voldemort was here?! Oh! Hey Tom!"

"For the last time, my name is Vol-"

"Are you taking a picture?!" asked Dumbledore. "Can I be in it too?"

"That's a great idea Dumbledore!" said Colin. "Harry, why don't you be in it to?"

"Me?" asked Harry. "Oh no!"

"Here's how it's going to be," said Colin. "All three of you will stand next to each other in front of the fire place. Dumbledore, you can be on the left, Voldemort can be in the middle, and Harry can be on the right. Come on, hurry up!"

Everyone just stared at him.

"MOVE IT!!" shouted Colin.

No one had ever seen Colin shout before, all three of them quickly got into their places.

"Excellent!" said Colin. as he raised his camera. "Now everyone say cheese!"

"Cheese!" said Dumbledore.

"Whatever," said Harry dully.

"Death to all muggles!!" shouted Voldemort.

Click

"That was great!" said Colin. "I'll send you a copy this Christmas!"

"If I ever..." began Voldemort, "see that photo again..." he drew his finger across his neck.

"I'm going to frame it in my room," said Colin.

"I'm going to tape it to my bathroom mirror," said Dumbledore, "so that I can see it every time I brush my teeth."

"I'm going to have to go with Hermione on this one," said Harry. "This is so stupid!"

"No no Harry," said Nagini, "I was quite amused."

Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Voldemort, and for some reason, Dumbledore, all looked at each other.

"Are you practicing for some kind of play?" asked Nagini.

Ron looked at his parchment. "Why you're right Hermione. The cabbage today _did _taste funny."

"Oh boy!" said Nagini. "I can't wait!"

"Yes!" said Harry quickly. "You caught us practicing for the play."

"A play?!" asked Colin and Dumbledore together.

"Can we be in it?" asked Dumbledore. "Please!"

"No!" said Voldemort. "We already held auditions."

"_There will be no play_!" said an evil sinister voice behind everyone.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Colin, Dumbledore, Voldemort, and Nagini all turned around.

"Oh my gosh!" shouted Ron. "It's-"


	24. It's

Chapter Eighteen

"It's-"

"-Dr. Brad!" gasped Ron.

"Yes, it is I," said Dr. Brad.

"But how?" asked Voldemort. "The last time we read about you, you were talking to that mysterious person wearing a ski mask."

"Quite a bit has happened since then," said Dr. Brad.

"But-but-but-but this is impossible!" said Hermione.

"Like I said," said Dr. Brad. "A lot has happened."

"Can I get a picture of you?" asked Colin.

"No!" said Dr. Brad. "No one can know that I was here!"

"Why?" asked Fred.

"Yeah, why?" asked George.

"Well you see..." began Dr. Brad. "Back when Diana was killed..."

_Flashback..._

_"It's too late." said Diana. "I've already made my decision."_

_The sound of gun fire filled the halls. Diana stood motionless for a few seconds, then dropped dead. Standing behind her was someone wearing a ski mask._

_"You're in deeper than you think," said the person._

_"Would you care to explain how deep?" asked Dr. Brad._

_"I'd love to," said the person as they took off their mask._

_Dr. Brad gasped. "You!"_

_"Yes. It is I... _Dumbledore_!!!"_

_"What are you doing in America?" asked Dr. Brad._

_"I need your help," said Dumbledore. "Voldemort's snake has gotten into Hogwarts. If she finds the secret plans and reports them back to Voldemort we will all be ruined."_

_Dr. Brad stood for a moment trying to take in all the information. The situation was grave. Any slip-ups would be dire._

_"I'll do it!" said Dr. Brad._

_Returning from flashback_

"Dumbledore?!" gasped Harry.

"Yes Harry." said Dumbledore "That's my name."

"No no! What about the whole conspiracy thing?"

"You're keeping secrets from me?!" gasped Voldemort. "I thought we were above this Dumbledore!"

"We will talk about this later." said Dr. Brad. "As for now..."

Dr. Brad reached into his medical jacket and removed a gun.

"Watch out!" shouted Fred. "He's got a gun!"

Dr. Brad pointed his gun at Nagini. "Goodbye snake!"

Voldemort jumped into the path of the bullets. "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

"I haven't even shot yet!" said Dr. Brad.

"Oops!" said Voldemort as he hit the floor. "My bad."

"You were going to sacrifice yourself for me?" asked Nagini.

"No." said Voldemort as he stood up and dusted himself off. "I wanted to know what Dumbledore's secret was so I couldn't let you die."

"You can't hide it." said Nagini. "You _do _like me!"

Everyone went "Aww!"

"Ewe gross!" said Voldemort.

"Are we done now?" asked Dr. Brad. "Good."

He then pointed his gun at Nagini again.

"I've said this all evening!" shouted Hermione. "THIS IS SO STUPID!!! I mean, all that you would need to do Accio the gun away-"

Hermione summoned the gun away from Dr. Brad.

"-then hit him with a disarmament spell."

Hermione hit Dr. Brad with a disarming spell he flew backwards onto a pile of mattresses.

"THERE!" shouted Hermione triumphantly.

Ron leaned over and whispered to Colin. "Did you get a picture of that?"

"I sure did!" said Colin.

Voldemort looked around. "Why don't you guys go downstairs and celebrate while I deal with Dr. Brad."

"Lovely!" said Dumbledore.

Voldemort levitated Dr. Brad's unconscious body and guided it out of the room. He then came back in, grabbed his copy of the _Harry Potter coloring and activity book_, and then went back out again.

"Let's party!" shouted Dumbledore.

"Why are you happy?" asked Ron. "_You _were the one who sent Dr. Brad."

"No I wasn't."

"But if you didn't," began Harry, "then who did?"

_Meanwhile back at the hospital in America..._

Voldemort Apparated in front of the hospital and set Dr. Brad down.

"We had an agreement." said Dr. Brad.

Voldemort reached into his robes and removed a large bag of wizarding gold. "It's worth every Galleon. Ha ha ha!"

"And Nagini thinks that you can't come up with a good plan."

They both laughed evilly.


	25. Voldemort Triumphant

Chapter Twenty-Five

Voldemort Triumphant

"Let's party!" said Colin before turning on the radio full blast.

"What are we partying about again?" asked Hermione.

"Do we need a reason?" asked Fred.

"And speaking of reasons," said George, "would I interest anyone in some party favors?"

"I'd love some!" said Dumbledore. "What's a farty favor?"

"That's _party favor _Dumbledore," said Fred.

"Oh! That makes much more sense!"

"I'll have some!" said Ron.

"That will be twenty sickles," said George.

Ron looked in his bag. "Darn! I don't have enough."

"Here Ron," said Harry as her reached into his bag. A strange look came over his face. "What the-?" Harry pulled a dead mongoose out of his bag. "Who put this here?"

Nagini slithered up. "He Harry, could you buy me some party favor-AHH!!!"

"No! It's not what it looks like!" said Harry quickly.

"Oh my gosh I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!" cried Nagini as she slithered around in circles.

"How could you Harry?!" asked Fred angrily.

"Yeah Harry, How could you?!" asked Dumbledore. "What did you do exactly?"

Harry held up the mongoose. Dumbledore started freaking out.

"AHH!!! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!"

Dumbledore started running around in circles screaming. Voldemort walked in.

"What's going on here?" asked Voldemort.

Ron sniffled. "Why don't you ask _Harry_!"

Voldemort turned to Harry.

"No idea." said he.

"How could you Harry?!" said Voldemort. "I thought we weren't going use the mongoose."

"But-but-but I-"

"There is no excuse!" cried Voldemort.

"I-I... well umm... er... you see-" stuttered Harry.

"Come on Nagini," said Voldemort.

Nagini was still going round in circles with Dumbledore. Voldemort reached into his pocket and pulled out a ball.

"Ooh look, a ball!" said Nagini and Dumbledore together.

"Come along now," said Voldemort.

Nagini and Dumbledore started to follow Voldemort. Colin stopped Dumbledore.

* * *

"It's so good to be home!" said Nagini to Voldemort as they ate some of Snape's cookies.

"Yes, It's good to have you back," said Voldemort as he dipped a cookie into some milk and took a bite.

"Harry _never _let me eat any cookies."

"That meanie!"

"Yeah!" said Nagini. "And I almost would have still been friends with him if he hadn't turned that mongoose on me!"

Voldemort chuckled to himself. "What a jerk! So you wouldn't be upset if I were to try to kill him?"

"Oh no. Not at all. Just as long as I don't have to eat him! I don't think I could eat a jerk like _him_!"

"Don't worry about that. From now on you only have to eat muggles if you want to."

"Really?!" asked Nagini.

"Really!" said Voldemort.

Snape burst into the room. "Don't eat those cookies! They're for the bake sale!"

* * *

AN: One more chapter to go until it's over! 


	26. Epilogue

Epilogue

19 Days Later

All of the Hogwarts students sat in the Great Hall. The teacher's table had been replaced by a large stage with red curtains. Colin walked out onto the stage and everyone cheered.

"I'd like to present, with much contribution from _Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes_, the first ever Hogwarts play!"

The audience cheered again. The curtains opened and Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked out onto the stage.

"Hello Ron," said Harry in a pretend voice.

"Hello Harry," said Ron in a pretend voice as well. "Hello Hermione."

"Hello Ron and Harry," said Hermione in a bored voice.

"Is it me or has Snape been extra bossy recently?" asked Ron.

"You're right," said Harry. "Oh no, here he comes now!"

Fred walked on stage dressed like Snape. "What are you students doing?" asked Fred in his best imitation of Snape.

"We're just talking," said Hermione.

"Don't be a smarty pants Miss Granger," said Fred, "Now go do your homework before I take points away!"

Off stage Dumbledore giggled. "That's just like you Severus!"

"Oh har har," said the real Snape who was controlling the curtains.

"You know what?" asked Fred. "I will take some points. Fifty points from Gryffindor, because you're all ugly! Except for you Hermione, you're _not _as ugly as usual. Did you steal one of my _not ugly _potions?"

Dumbledore giggled again.

"Don't be so mean!" said Ron.

"Another fifty points for telling a teacher what to do!" snapped Fred.

"Ha ha ha!" said Voldemort as he walked on stage.

"Oh no! It's Voldemort!" said Harry.

"That's right!" said Voldemort. "I'm here to take over Hogwarts and kill you too. I'm a multi-tasker! Give it up for me!"

"Good one master!" said Fred and the real Snape at the same time.

Dumbledore was rolling around on the floor laughing.

"We need to stop him," said Ron.

He and Harry pulled out their wands. "Giggling goofus!"

"Oh no!" said Voldemort as he pretended to be flung off stage.

By now, Dumbledore was banging his head against the wall laughing.

"I think the spell hit Dumbledore instead," whispered Hermione to Ron.

Voldemort jumped back on the stage. "It will take more than that to stop me!"

"Actually," whispered Colin from behind the curtain, "that _was _supposed to stop you."

"It was?" asked Voldemort. "Umm... Ahh, an after shock!"

Voldemort pretended to fly off the stage again. The curtains then closed. A few seconds later they opened again.

"Act two," said Colin.

Harry walked on stage. "Oh no! Voldemort's snake has been following me around again."

George walked on stage dressed as a snake. "Hiss hiss. Hello Harry! What fun things are we going to do today? Hiss hiss."

"Well I was thinking of just doing my homework," said Harry.

"Hiss. You don't need all that nasty homework Harry!" said George as he grabbed some papers out of Harry's hands and threw them into the audience.

"Oh no!" said Harry. "Now Snape is going to kill me!"

"Why am I going to kill you?" asked Fred as he walked back onto stage again.

"Umm... no reason."

"And why are you keeping an illegal snake on Hogwarts grounds? Fifty points from Gryffindor! And another fifty for good measure!"

"Now look what you've done!" said Harry.

"Well had you been nice to me in the first place, I might not have been so desperate... hiss," said George.

"That darn Harry!" said Fred. "He could solve all his problems so easily."

"How?" asked George.

"By buying Fred and George's _Weasley Wizarding Wheezes_, that's how!"

"What a great idea!" said George.

"Hey!" said Harry. "How can you understand Nagini, Snape?"

"That's Doctor Professor Snape to you Mr. Potter!"

"When did you become a Doctor?" asked Harry.

"When I got my Ph.D. in cooking!"

"So dose that make you a cookie doc?"

"Fifty more points!"

The curtains closed again and opened a few seconds later.

"Act three," said Colin.

Dumbledore and Harry walked on stage.

"So Professor," said Harry, "how did you say that I needed to defeat Voldemort?"

"Well Berry-"

"It's Harry!" whispered Colin.

"Eww! A hairy berry?"

"So I'm supposed to defeat Voldemort with hairy berries?" asked Harry.

"Voldemort dose seem to freak out when ever I throw out my hairy berries," said Dumbledore. "And they're just awful in pies!"

Voldemort walked on stage again. "Did someone say my name? Ha ha ha!"

"Go away!" said Dumbledore. "No one likes you! You're a loser!"

"Ouch!" said Voldemort. "I didn't' know that was in the script."

"It isn't," said Colin. "Just roll with it."

"Okay," said Voldemort. "Umm... At least I live a whole book longer than you."

"Don't even go there!" said Dumbledore angrily.

"What are you even talking about?" asked Harry.

"I finally got to the end of the coloring book!" said Voldemort triumphantly. "And I found out that you die at the end of the sixth book!"

"You only finished it now?" asked Dumbledore. "I finished mine weeks ago!"

"Only because you knew about them earlier!"

"Hey! I can't help it if you don't have good spies!"

"Do you think that I would have my spies paying attention to such silly things?"

"I think this is no longer a play," whispered Harry to Colin. "Close the curtains."

"Oh yeah?" Dumbledore asked Voldemort. "Well that shows how uptight _you _are!"

"Call me uptight will you?!"

"Them fight'n words?!" asked Dumbledore in a western accent.

"This stage ain't big enough for the two of us!"

Colin jumped out on stage. "THE END!" He then signaled for Snape to pull the curtains shut as fast as possible.

* * *

AN: It's over! But it was good while it lasted. I would like to thank everyone for their reviews and I would also like to thank my sister for helping me write this. Please leave a review because that would be "Just fantastic!" as Dumbledore would put it. 


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